Which leads me to this post of recent truths for my little all over the place heart. To lead my heart back. Back to rest, to peace, to safety. Ultimately, back to the Lord and real life and real Truth. Oh, much needed.
“It's the heart that's the problem. People, locations and situations don't cause me to sin;
they're where the sin of my heart gets revealed."
they're where the sin of my heart gets revealed."
-Paul Tripp {New Morning Mercies Devo}
Oh, everyday I have been reading this devotional. If you're looking for good deep heart-changing real good nuggets of gospel and Truth, GET YOUR HANDS ON THIS! James and I have been listening to, watching and reading lots of Paul Tripp stuff lately, including "Dangerous Calling" for pastors and videos from a recent conference we regret missing. So, I'll admit, I'm a horrible quiet-time-er. Spending quiet quality time with the Lord and before I start the day is always a dream I have for my ideal life. But I fail at it a lot. (Just about as much as I fail at eating breakfast everyday, ha.) Recently, though, it's almost come naturally. (Maybe because I feel guilty like I'm a bad mom already if I don't skip breakfast and starve baby in the morning?) But either way, I'm eating breakfast and I'm desperate for gospel truths and time with God. Maybe secretly, I also think this mom life that's going to hit me fast is going to help me mature and grow into the woman of God and person I truly desire to be. Moms out there, is this true?
Speaking of the mom life that's to come. James, my wonderful husband (one of my greatest deepest joys these days), gifted me a kindle book called "Mom Enough". It's really helping me to prepare my heart for this question that goes something like:
"Are you mom enough?"
answer: "No I am definitely not."
Oh, the comfort I take in that question and answer the book and collection of blogs and articles gives. I've only just started but with every page I read, I know it will be such a good Truth for my heart. We, alone, are not enough. I am not good enough. To be a mom. To be a wife. To be a friend or daughter. To love or care for others. Nope. Not good enough to please others, especially God. I need Jesus. I need his rescue for my heart.
Another book I've picked up again recently is Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" because there's just a lot of marriage talk around me. Some of that is marriage talk as James and I continue to pray for our marriage to grow, some of it is from the people around us thinking about marriage, maybe some is even from thinking about my best friend in the States getting married this summer! But, it's got me thinking about how marriage is designed and created by the Lord but how the world and culture has totally distorted its image and its purpose. So it's refreshing to my heart to be reading this book again.
Let's see, other than marriage and trying to prepare to be a mom, growing a baby inside of me has been such a joy. It's painful of course because even though I'm celebrating not having normal monthly routine womanly things, I'm experiencing new pains and growths and aches and things each day. But the best part of it all is knowing that baby is growing inside of me and that this baby is a gift from God. It's AMAZING to follow along with my apps and baby books and to hear from the doctor how baby is actually growing and developing. God is creating this baby each day and growing our baby. We can't wait to meet and see baby and who he/she is supposed to become! I'm especially curious to see what baby will look like :) Will we have little me's? Now that's joyful to think about. Even though as we take childbirth classes, we are learning about really how painful contractions will be and how to cope with the pain and so on. But we are thankful to praise God through the process because before I thought, oh no worries, I will go to the hospital and have an epidural and give birth and I won't feel a thing. But now after learning more about how God really has designed woman's body to naturally give birth and the beauty of it, we are praying we can have as natural of a birth as we can and as God allows. So, we are learning and practicing and preparing for what's to come. Doing all of that with James is so much fun. And I'm really excited because I think I know baby's name. I practice calling baby by this name just to test it out. I wonder if it will stick or if God will change our minds! But we are still working on all that. Can't believe this week will be week 28! Just a little more than 10 weeks to go!? Oh, and so much to do before then...
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do,whether in word or deed,
do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:15-17
Another pain/joy thing has been looking at my heart and my sin and seeing my sin come out everywhere but seeing also how much I need Jesus and having Jesus. In my chronological reading plan, I can't get past how in Exodus, Deuteronomy and Numbers, I see the rebellion of the people. And how God treats them how they deserve by destroying and punishing the rebellion. But you see glimpses of amazement when God listens to Moses plea for the people, asking Him to spare them. But even Moses is not good enough to enter the promise land because of his weakness and unfaithfulness as well. Even him, a faithful man. Oh, how much more do I need Jesus? Then in Joshua, you see a lot more faithfulness and victories through the Lord's hand but most of all Joshua 24:15 sticks with me. Joshua ends with him charging the others to choose who they will live for and serve. He says, "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord." And they do. But even others reply with agreement and wanting to serve the Lord too. But what does Joshua do? He replies saying basically.. you will turn away, you can't serve the Lord, you will rebel, you will fail. That's what I heard anyway. Which, of course, is true. Because we, people, are weak. Even though our heart is willing. But none the less, they too CHOOSE to serve the Lord. It's been so heart deep and wonderful to be thankful for Jesus in this journey of reading the Word and seeing the bigger picture. Also to see others see Him. Whether its our old friends here or new friends. Seeing people grow passionate and influencing and impacting others. That has been joyous. But of course, at the same time, seeing rebellion in others too and close friends even rejecting or walking away from the Lord. Or having no interest in them. And calling these friends ... friends... but then seeing them walk away from me too. Heart pains and joys. I rejoice because I know my God is sovereign and good. And I am not God. And I can just respond in worship and praise and choosing to serve the Lord.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:25-26
We are super excited for the chance to come back to the States this summer. But at the same time, its so mixed feelings to prepare to not rent our apartment of 2 years here anymore and to return to my parents home for our time in the States. To figure out what to do with the furniture, our things, and to leave life here just for a little while. Pray for our hearts to find REST in Him during this exciting mixed time of "unrest". Thankful to experience His peace in times where it almost seems impossible to really have peace.
For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.
1 Corinthians 2:2
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