Have you ever heard of people saying, "I can't wait for life to be normal again." Or even just the desire to settle down. I've got to admit every since coming to live overseas I've wanted that sense of "normal" or "settling down" but maybe only recently... 7 years later (wow! time flies!) ... have I come to realize there is no "normal" for us. Not normal is our new normal. Maybe it's helped that I've seen so many people come and go... including our family. We've come and gone and come back.
It's only when I start wanting the "normal" again in every new season that I've loved coming back to these verses in Colossians that remind me again and again that no matter where I cam, just as I received Christ Jesus as Lord, I can continue to LIVE MY LIFE IN HIM, ROOTED and BUILT up IN HIM (not rooted and built up in any other place, person, thing, circumstance, ideal... or "normal" but in Him)... STRENGTHENED in the FAITH (not other things) as I was taught... and OVERFLOWING with THANKFULNESS. So much packed into these verses that become my prayer for each season. So, this verse, this is my new normal... praying for continuing to live my life in Him, being rooted up and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith in Him and overflowing with thankfulness because of Him. As life gets busy and things change, it feels as if I'm often up for riding the waves and it always takes a little bit of shaking up to hold on fast again to Him. But I'm thankful for the reminders and my weaknesses that drive me back to my new normal of seeking Him for all things and resting and hiding in Him, finding my identity in Him, wanting and needing His Truth, wisdom, guidance and most of all love to lead and satisfy me.
So what are these new waves in this new season of our returning back to Asia?
Oh, just mom life of a super active not that verbal (in an understandable way at least) not-that-disciplined and obedient wild but super cute toddler. Add on toddler bed transitioning, late nights, reluctant potty training beginnings, picky-eating, kicking, screaming, yelling, very messy and clumsy, demanding toddler times. I'd love to say that I love parenting but I don't every moment. It's HARD. I never knew it was hard when I used to just dream of being a mom. It's hard yet it's the best thing ever. Sometimes when James and I are out on date nights I wonder if I would've rather not been a mom but nothing in me wishes that at all. So, then what? How do I tackle these mom days of my adorable wild toddler and all the responsibilities I have to teach her, to raise her, to feed her, to discipline her and everything else that I should be doing?
Oh yeah and I'm a wife too. How can I be a loving respectful wife when I'm tired? Or when I'm not filling my cup each day and trying to fill it with his love and needing it more than I want to serve him? Feeling like I want to honor God but I struggle to ask the wrong questions and instead of honoring God I just want to be good enough on my own. Wanting to be a good chef and feed my family well but not feeling capable enough in life's busy hours, my tired recovering body after my recent surgery and even when I make healthy meals for myself and the hubby, my daughter refuses to eat anything. Trying to clean the house but feeling hopeless mess after mess after mess. Not keeping up with life the way I wish I could and wanting to be more and be more. Can you tell my heart gets tired? My willpower gets drained? And I sit again wondering how to turn to my God for strength and energy? For satisfaction in Him instead of running to other things that just feel "easier" or temporarily "life-giving" and how to follow the humble example of my Savior to serve and not to be served. Wanting to boast in my weaknesses instead of wanting to be stronger and better on my own. Oh, how my heart needs His grace every minute.
And I'm in ministry. Wondering how to connect my heart continually to the mission and choose the right things, the right timing, the right people to pour into. How to not feel guilty when it's more "life-giving" to be out sharing about JC or helping disciple future leaders and seeing people have "a-ha" moments or meet God. Caring and shepherding other women my little woman is too little to even have a conversation with me. Sharing life with others and wanting to pour out when I still search to be poured into. The balancing act is so very tough.
And I want to have friends. How do any moms make time for friends in a city far away from public libraries and clean unpolluted parks? Where I don't have to take a taxi a half hour at least with my screaming toddler or the subway with my monkey climbing toddler hour an hour + to spend time with others? When do I have time or energy to skype/facetime my friends when the 12 hour time difference and my exhaustion at night or early in the morning takes over and my eyes don't even stay open. Oh, the desire for deep friendships that I long for in the midst of a new "normal" crazy season of unknowns and whirlwinds.
There's also church life. Wanting to go to sleep early and prepare my heart for Sunday. Wanting to not get upset or impatient when my baby girl wakes up way too early Sunday morning and kicks me in the face, grabs my phone and begs me watch Peppa Pig.... after she crawled into our bed in the middle of the night. Wanting to connect and be human but wondering what else I can think and talk about other than all this mess. When can my heart and mind be alert enough again to take notes well during the service and to be undistracted by this thought or that thought? But so needed to just be present and be there and be filled up soaking up the worship and the Truth being taught. Just being thankful for God's provision and His leading even amongst the crazy. Peace-filled knowing we are just where we are supposed to be right at the right time.
And family and friends, near and far. Tears from the other side of the facetime from missing Vera. Sadness inside to not have my family just come over or to stop by my family's place. Knowing our relationships sometimes could be so much deeper quality if we only had the chance to walk through all the seasons of life together. My heart wanting more and wanting everything at the same time without the sacrifice.
So, these could be pretty big waves. This is probably only the iceberg, ha. Or the tips of the wave from afar. I could ride the waves all over the place. But honestly, thats so tiring and I don't know how many more tear-filled nights I have in me to do that. So I go back to trying to be rooted in Him and built up and strengthened and I come as I am, weary and burdened and I'm reminded that MY GOD, My God, gives rest to those who are weary and burdened. So I come, I come to my God for rest. And this is also my new normal. I come to you, my God for rest, so weary and heavy-laden... all the time.... and I ask you to give me the rest you promise. I take your yoke (your work, your leading) and learn from you, for you are gentle and humble in heart and I shall rest for my SOUL. Your yoke is easy and your load is light.
In rocky, wave-filled seasons of life where nothing is still, where life in this world gets scary and the sin of ourselves and the people around us or even in the news breaks our hearts and even scares us, when nothing is known and we wonder how we got here or even when we are feeling good one second and unsatisfied, distracted or lost in the next, we need a steady rock. A firm rock. A reliable rock. A comforter, true friend, a trustworthy God to trust in and turn to.
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