Recently, I had the chance to share at our church's women's breakfast about God's faithfulness. It was a gift from the Lord to have that time to reflect on what to share...
Here are some of my notes...
(with added conversation/edits for it to make sense)
Good morning. I am humbled to be before women of all ages & all experiences, all different callings. I know we are all challenged, fighting the flesh, world and enemy to know God and follow hard after Him... I have much to learn from you, and I hope I get the chance to in this year & beyond.
It's interesting how hard it is to share a testimony of God's faithfulness -
Often I'm not looking for it even though it's all around me. So I can't tell if there's too many examples or I'm just overlooking them each day. Just reminds me how important it is stop and reflect/review/process life.
...so this is my sharing - from someone just starting out my journey of coming to Him, denying myself, taking up my cross and following Him. I hope it's an encouragement and challenge to you.
So, many of you know, I'm a "missionary in Asia" (not your typical missionary, I know).
I'm young for that identity, I guess.
I didn't always dream of being a missionary. (Do people even dream of that anymore?)
Going into my freshman year of college I already had every detail of my 4 year plan laid out.
My part time jobs. My DC internships. My summers. My every class selection. My future jobs after college.
The dream was to work my way up the ladder, make a lot of money and move to NYC to work for a great big place like Edelman PR firm.
... But, never... never thought I'd end up where I am today.
So I went to Asia on a short term trip right after college, eventually much to my surprise married a local national full-timer with a heart to lead the campus and church to be mobilized to read the unreached in the 10/40 window...
Even though you would think missionaries have bold faith and are faithful... I often see the opposite in myself. The fear and the unfaithfulness. But more so, I've seen Gods faithfulness to me as I try to run this race.
We all have these unique callings, unique lives.. All to see His Hand, His grace, ultimately His Glory in it all...
So where have I seen it? 1) Finance 2) Significance
My heart is in battle with the world. Aren't all of ours?
I want stuff. More more and more. And I want comfort and security from this stuff.
Lately, specifically a home to settle in and fill with stuff. My stuff.
So I've asked, "Lord, Will I ever own a home?"
We rent in Asia. So my life is currently packed in boxes, live in my parents basement here, came back 34 weeks pregnant and only then could start to dream of making a nursery/crib area in the cold dark (centipede filled) basement living room.
My heart wrestles. I confess to you, I envy others who are settled down and have homes, secretly wishing they would ask us to move in... Or vacation in their homes? All my friends are buying homes and focused on fixing up their homes, renovating and I can hardly relate anymore.
Yet the Lord continues to nudge me, whisper to me, rest His hand gently on me.
Maybe even hug me with His Words.
"Foxes have dens, birds have nests but the son of man has no place to lay his head"
Am I... "storing up treasures on earth where moth and rust can destroy, where thieves can break in and steal or am I storing up treasures in heaven because where our treasure is, our heart is."
What we treasure reveals what we love. Finances, home, materials... stuff.
So, where is God's faithfulness in the middle of my messy heart?
Living off of others extra generosity, minimum salary, raising support for a living and our future and trusting God (just like sharing the gospel) sharing the opportunity, asking, inviting others, trusting God for the result-- It's all about His faithfulness, not mine.
So, yes... living in my parents basement, I realize it's what God has for this season of being sanctified. (Not the most ideal situation) Raising a baby as a first time mom and learning I don't need a lot (mostly because I don't have the space for it) ... but as I give my life to Jesus... He provides all I need.
How blessed am I? I'm never in true need.
I'm learning so much about the importance of giving and how much God loves to bless us so we can bless others that I often wish I was on the other side of the giving. Then I realize wow, I kind of am. Even what I'm blessed with makes me want to give all I have away. Gods faithfulness. (Extra thank you to my CG women, Wendy, jean, Janet, Deborah, beth... And also those who give generously to the church and missionaries like me- giving to the Lord)
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:33
Significance.
So, I'm a missionary, I'm investing in a lot of relationships...
-relationships are hard and messy
-there's my husband (best sanctifying tool out there), my teammates (forced to be together sanctifying tools), church (if you can count it- whether i'm in a community where i can't understand everything or in one where i'm hardly in), friends (who come and go and often leave the mission field or move on with their lives...long-distance for long-term is harder than i wish), there's those i'm reaching out to, then there's enemies... ha.
I'm an emotional girl. So I feel everything in this. I feel loneliness, confusion, identity, feeling loved and accepted and a place to belong, appreciated.... these are the hard feelings. Where am I getting my significance from?
God called me to this. He made us for community and people. But I ultimately need to be found in Him alone and not dependent on people.
Recently ... I've been searching for my significance as a "good mom" living on mission...
But of course that brings... pressures, comparison... nap times and schedules... and so on....
God's faithfulness...
Through this all, my weakness, emptiness, questions, pains, whatever else is in the mix....
Only He, my Lord, has been there for me as my greatest encourager & best listener. He uses other people too but He is my greatest comforter, prayer warrior and advocate...
Most of all in China whether on missions there or living here on missions in the U.S. He ultimately uses all these hard circumstances, my longings and needs to draw me intimately and uniquely to Himself.
To remind me again and again only He can satisfy me. I've noticed lately HE PROTECTS me by leading me to step out and lead a life full of leaps of faith. So that I can rely on Him alone!!!
God's faithfulness.
He not only provides all I need but what I only really need IS Him. My God is faithful even when I'm imperfect, messy, doubtful, hesitant & often not faithful. So I share this and that I'm thankful for Jesus this season.
And I ask you, are you looking for His faithfulness? And are we giving Him the glory? And is that drawing us closer to Him today and every day?
I hope the Lord continues to grow me in this way to see and know and love Him as I continue to follow Him.
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