"Rooted" - Our New Normal

Have you ever heard of people saying, "I can't wait for life to be normal again." Or even just the desire to settle down. I've got to admit every since coming to live overseas I've wanted that sense of "normal" or "settling down" but maybe only recently... 7 years later (wow! time flies!) ... have I come to realize there is no "normal" for us. Not normal is our new normal. Maybe it's helped that I've seen so many people come and go... including our family. We've come and gone and come back. 

It's only when I start wanting the "normal" again in every new season that I've loved coming back to these verses in Colossians that remind me again and again that no matter where I cam, just as I received Christ Jesus as Lord, I can continue to LIVE MY LIFE IN HIM, ROOTED and BUILT up IN HIM (not rooted and built up in any other place, person, thing, circumstance, ideal... or "normal" but in Him)... STRENGTHENED in the FAITH (not other things) as I was taught... and OVERFLOWING with THANKFULNESS. So much packed into these verses that become my prayer for each season. So, this verse, this is my new normal... praying for continuing to live my life in Him, being rooted up and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith in Him and overflowing with thankfulness because of Him. As life gets busy and things change, it feels as if I'm often up for riding the waves and it always takes a little bit of shaking up to hold on fast again to Him. But I'm thankful for the reminders and my weaknesses that drive me back to my new normal of seeking Him for all things and resting and hiding in Him, finding my identity in Him, wanting and needing His Truth, wisdom, guidance and most of all love to lead and satisfy me.



So what are these new waves in this new season of our returning back to Asia?

Oh, just mom life of a super active not that verbal (in an understandable way at least) not-that-disciplined and obedient wild but super cute toddler. Add on toddler bed transitioning, late nights, reluctant potty training beginnings, picky-eating, kicking, screaming, yelling, very messy and clumsy, demanding toddler times. I'd love to say that I love parenting but I don't every moment. It's HARD. I never knew it was hard when I used to just dream of being a mom. It's hard yet it's the best thing ever. Sometimes when James and I are out on date nights I wonder if I would've rather not been a mom but nothing in me wishes that at all. So, then what? How do I tackle these mom days of my adorable wild toddler and all the responsibilities I have to teach her, to raise her, to feed her, to discipline her and everything else that I should be doing?

Oh yeah and I'm a wife too. How can I be a loving respectful wife when I'm tired? Or when I'm not filling my cup each day and trying to fill it with his love and needing it more than I want to serve him? Feeling like I want to honor God but I struggle to ask the wrong questions and instead of honoring God I just want to be good enough on my own. Wanting to be a good chef and feed my family well but not feeling capable enough in life's busy hours, my tired recovering body after my recent surgery and even when I make healthy meals for myself and the hubby, my daughter refuses to eat anything. Trying to clean the house but feeling hopeless mess after mess after mess. Not keeping up with life the way I wish I could and wanting to be more and be more. Can you tell my heart gets tired? My willpower gets drained? And I sit again wondering how to turn to my God for strength and energy? For satisfaction in Him instead of running to other things that just feel "easier" or temporarily "life-giving" and how to follow the humble example of my Savior to serve and not to be served. Wanting to boast in my weaknesses instead of wanting to be stronger and better on my own. Oh, how my heart needs His grace every minute.

And I'm in ministry. Wondering how to connect my heart continually to the mission and choose the right things, the right timing, the right people to pour into. How to not feel guilty when it's more "life-giving" to be out sharing about JC or helping disciple future leaders and seeing people have "a-ha" moments or meet God. Caring and shepherding other women my little woman is too little to even have a conversation with me. Sharing life with others and wanting to pour out when I still search to be poured into. The balancing act is so very tough.

And I want to have friends. How do any moms make time for friends in a city far away from public libraries and clean unpolluted parks? Where I don't have to take a taxi a half hour at least with my screaming toddler or the subway with my monkey climbing toddler hour an hour + to spend time with others? When do I have time or energy to skype/facetime my friends when the 12 hour time difference and my exhaustion at night or early in the morning takes over and my eyes don't even stay open. Oh, the desire for deep friendships that I long for in the midst of a new "normal" crazy season of unknowns and whirlwinds.

 

There's also church life. Wanting to go to sleep early and prepare my heart for Sunday. Wanting to not get upset or impatient when my baby girl wakes up way too early Sunday morning and kicks me in the face, grabs my phone and begs me watch Peppa Pig.... after she crawled into our bed in the middle of the night. Wanting to connect and be human but wondering what else I can think and talk about other than all this mess. When can my heart and mind be alert enough again to take notes well during the service and to be undistracted by this thought or that thought? But so needed to just be present and be there and be filled up soaking up the worship and the Truth being taught. Just being thankful for God's provision and His leading even amongst the crazy. Peace-filled knowing we are just where we are supposed to be right at the right time.

And family and friends, near and far. Tears from the other side of the facetime from missing Vera. Sadness inside to not have my family just come over or to stop by my family's place. Knowing our relationships sometimes could be so much deeper quality if we only had the chance to walk through all the seasons of life together. My heart wanting more and wanting everything at the same time without the sacrifice.

So, these could be pretty big waves. This is probably only the iceberg, ha. Or the tips of the wave from afar. I could ride the waves all over the place. But honestly, thats so tiring and I don't know how many more tear-filled nights I have in me to do that. So I go back to trying to be rooted in Him and built up and strengthened and I come as I am, weary and burdened and I'm reminded that MY GOD, My God, gives rest to those who are weary and burdened. So I come, I come to my God for rest. And this is also my new normal. I come to you, my God for rest, so weary and heavy-laden... all the time.... and I ask you to give me the rest you promise. I take your yoke (your work, your leading) and learn from you, for you are gentle and humble in heart and I shall rest for my SOUL. Your yoke is easy and your load is light.

In rocky, wave-filled seasons of life where nothing is still, where life in this world gets scary and the sin of ourselves and the people around us or even in the news breaks our hearts and even scares us, when nothing is known and we wonder how we got here or even when we are feeling good one second and unsatisfied, distracted or lost in the next, we need a steady rock. A firm rock. A reliable rock. A comforter, true friend, a trustworthy God to trust in and turn to.

Our New Re-settling Back in Asia

Hi friends who read our blog :)

We're back overseas after our year home assignment in the States & we're back to sharing our life with you through our blogs. So stay tuned here for more!

For now we just want to share a glimpse of what it's been like to settle back in. Although we are in a new apartment, new neighborhood we live in the same area we used to live before. So settling back in isn't wildly different, just a whole new season of life and new adjustments into parenthood overseas in Asia! Enjoy, comment, email, say hi, keep in touch so we know you're there!

Thanks for stopping by!

Firstly, because we were on the plane for our 3rd wedding anniversary, our first night out with James' mom watching Vera we immediately took the opportunity to casually celebrate what the Lord's done in and through our marriage. Can't believe it's been 3 years already and now we're into our 4th! But we are grateful because it's not always been easy so it's nice to look back and see how we've grown together as well as the joys we've experienced together. Anniversary meal we went with asian bbq and my fave: mango snow ice dessert! The dessert wasn't as good as we imagined but just like marriage isn't perfect, we enjoyed it anyways and gave thanks to God :)

Happy Anniversary James. Thanks for choosing to love me each day and being my best companion.

Thanks for always reminding me why you love me, like you did on our wedding day.

You are the best daddy "baba" ever. Thanks for loving our baby Vera so well.

Check out our wedding video blog post
or more wedding photos here

Re-settling into life in Asia... 6 years later from the 1st time we met...
3 years after we first returned as newlyweds

we made it :) the 3 of us! Our flight and layovers including delays took a total of 24 hours... but we made it. Thanks God for sustaining us and giving us many extra seats around us to make a tent for Vera!

Retreating at a nearby favorite watertown of ours WITH OUR BABY GIRL...
slowly not so baby anymore.

Vera loves our new apartment (much more regular than our nomad lifestyle in the States this past year) AKA Vera the explorer... She loves to walk all around the apartment and climb the sofas and window seats to look out

This is our street in front of the neighborhood we moved to... As you can tell, Vera was pooped out easily on our first day back running errands, registering at the police office and exploring 

One of our favorite things to do together is check out the tv shows available and learn language together! Many of Vera's faves like Daniel the Tiger, Lilo and Stitch and Dora are all there... speaking chinese like pros. Who knew?! Dora doesn't speak spanish here but instead speaks chinese and teaches english! Daniel the Tiger speaks all chinese except when he sings, he always sings in English! Haha :) NOTICE: Vera's all-natural perfect asian squat pose

Some of our friends who live nearby and Vera's first babysitters! Much needed for mommy & daddy's night out :)

Thanks to our friends who wrote cards for our friends here. They've loved receiving them and have been encouraged :)

I'm working on becoming a better chef and making easy healthy meals more regularly for our new family lifestyle. First successful meal: Chicken, broccoli and mushroom stirfy :) Loved by everyone

Our new gender neutral bike that James and I are sharing because sadly my beautiful pink bike I loved was stolen last year :(

yes, sadness. Even though its exciting somedays, it's hard on other days. Especially discovering new losses in the day-to-day from the move.

One of the most fun things that I've looked forward to though is joining in on playing with the kids and interacting with our neighbors in our community center. This is where the grandparents take young kids out during the day but in the evening it comes alive with generations of families all spending time together outside...

And at night the bright colored lights come on, the music blasts and the dancing lines begin! We like to join in now and then because our Vera loves to dance. Videos in the future to come of that :)

Ok, our computer is slowing down in the uploading so for now... to all a goodnight. Or morning :) Since its a 12 hour difference.

Time to go make some baby food for the week...
Check back or follow our blog because as we upload more pictures
we can share more of our life here :)

Faithfulness Upon Faithfulness

Recently, I had the chance to share at our church's women's breakfast about God's faithfulness. It was a gift from the Lord to have that time to reflect on what to share...

Here are some of my notes...

(with added conversation/edits for it to make sense)

Good morning. I am humbled to be before women of all ages & all experiences, all different callings. I know we are all challenged, fighting the flesh, world and enemy to know God and follow hard after Him... I have much to learn from you, and I hope I get the chance to in this year & beyond.

It's interesting how hard it is to share a testimony of God's faithfulness - 

Often I'm not looking for it even though it's all around me. So I can't tell if there's too many examples or I'm just overlooking them each day. Just reminds me how important it is stop and reflect/review/process life. 

...so this is my sharing - from someone just starting out my journey of coming to Him, denying myself, taking up my cross and following Him. I hope it's an encouragement and challenge to you.

So, many of you know, I'm a "missionary in Asia" (not your typical missionary, I know).

I'm young for that identity, I guess.

I didn't always dream of being a missionary. (Do people even dream of that anymore?)

Going into my freshman year of college I already had every detail of my 4 year plan laid out.

My part time jobs. My DC internships. My summers. My every class selection. My future jobs after college.

The dream was to work my way up the ladder, make a lot of money and move to NYC to work for a great big place like Edelman PR firm. 

... But, never... never thought I'd end up where I am today. 

So I went to Asia on a short term trip right after college, eventually much to my surprise married a local national full-timer with a heart to lead the campus and church to be mobilized to read the unreached in the 10/40 window... 

Even though you would think missionaries have bold faith and are faithful... I often see the opposite in myself. The fear and the unfaithfulness. But more so, I've seen Gods faithfulness to me as I try to run this race. 

We all have these unique callings, unique lives.. All to see His Hand, His grace, ultimately His Glory in it all... 

So where have I seen it? 1) Finance 2) Significance

Finance.

My heart is in battle with the world. Aren't all of ours?

I want stuff. More more and more. And I want comfort and security from this stuff. 

Lately, specifically a home to settle in and fill with stuff. My stuff. 

So I've asked, "Lord, Will I ever own a home?" 

We rent in Asia. So my life is currently packed in boxes, live in my parents basement here, came back 34 weeks pregnant and only then could start to dream of making a nursery/crib area in the cold dark (centipede filled) basement living room.

My heart wrestles. I confess to you, I envy others who are settled down and have homes, secretly wishing they would ask us to move in... Or vacation in their homes? All my friends are buying homes and focused on fixing up their homes, renovating and I can hardly relate anymore.

Yet the Lord continues to nudge me, whisper to me, rest His hand gently on me. 

Maybe even hug me with His Words.

"Foxes have dens, birds have nests but the son of man has no place to lay his head"

Am I... "storing up treasures on earth where moth and rust can destroy, where thieves can break in and steal or am I storing up treasures in heaven because where our treasure is, our heart is."

What we treasure reveals what we love. Finances, home, materials... stuff.

So, where is God's faithfulness in the middle of my messy heart?

Living off of others extra generosity, minimum salary, raising support for a living and our future and trusting God (just like sharing the gospel) sharing the opportunity, asking, inviting others, trusting God for the result-- It's all about His faithfulness, not mine.

So, yes... living in my parents basement, I realize it's what God has for this season of being sanctified. (Not the most ideal situation) Raising a baby as a first time mom and learning I don't need a lot (mostly because I don't have the space for it) ... but as I give my life to Jesus... He provides all I need. 

How blessed am I? I'm never in true need.

I'm learning so much about the importance of giving and how much God loves to bless us so we can bless others that I often wish I was on the other side of the giving. Then I realize wow, I kind of am. Even what I'm blessed with makes me want to give all I have away. Gods faithfulness. (Extra thank you to my CG women, Wendy, jean, Janet, Deborah, beth... And also those who give generously to the church and missionaries like me- giving to the Lord)

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:33

Significance.

So, I'm a missionary, I'm investing in a lot of relationships... 

-relationships are hard and messy

-there's my husband (best sanctifying tool out there), my teammates (forced to be together sanctifying tools), church (if you can count it- whether i'm in a community where i can't understand everything or in one where i'm hardly in), friends (who come and go and often leave the mission field or move on with their lives...long-distance for long-term is harder than i wish), there's those i'm reaching out to, then there's enemies... ha.

I'm an emotional girl. So I feel everything in this. I feel loneliness, confusion, identity, feeling loved and accepted and a place to belong, appreciated.... these are the hard feelings. Where am I getting my significance from?

God called me to this. He made us for community and people. But I ultimately need to be found in Him alone and not dependent on people. 

Recently ... I've been searching for my significance as a "good mom" living on mission... 

But of course that brings... pressures, comparison... nap times and schedules... and so on....

God's faithfulness...

Through this all, my weakness, emptiness, questions, pains, whatever else is in the mix....

Only He, my Lord, has been there for me as my greatest encourager & best listener. He uses other people too but He is my greatest comforter, prayer warrior and advocate... 

Most of all in China whether on missions there or living here on missions in the U.S. He ultimately uses all these hard circumstances, my longings and needs to draw me intimately and uniquely to Himself. 

To remind me again and again only He can satisfy me. I've noticed lately HE PROTECTS me by leading me to step out and lead a life full of leaps of faith. So that I can rely on Him alone!!!

God's faithfulness.

He not only provides all I need but what I only really need IS Him. My God is faithful even when I'm imperfect, messy, doubtful, hesitant & often not faithful. So I share this and that I'm thankful for Jesus this season.

And I ask you, are you looking for His faithfulness? And are we giving Him the glory? And is that drawing us closer to Him today and every day? 

I hope the Lord continues to grow me in this way to see and know and love Him as I continue to follow Him.

Not so Newborn Anymore...

Fall is officially here! And it feels so good. Literally, the weather feels good. The pretty leaves and crunchy leaves (yes, I still find it fun to stomp on fall leaves to hear the crunchiness of it) also feel good. The windy breeze feels good. The sun with all the autumn colors feel good. And the usual October busyness, that feels kinda good too. Of course, life is not all about our feelings. But it usually doesn't hurt when there are good feelings.

At the same time the turn of the seasons and the sign that winter is coming means time is flying. And it always feels like that now. Maybe because I'm older now? (Just celebrated the big 2-7! And Vera is almost 4 months old! eek!!!!) But even though the days sometimes feel slow... overall the days go by before I know it. There aren't enough hours in a day to do all that is on my to-do list. Yet, before the ends of the days, I'm suddenly exhausted and want them to end so I can rest up for the next one. Ha. So human of me... not to be satisfied with anything. Whether it's the seasons changing or the length of a day. I also want Vera to grow and learn to walk and talk and play with me. But at the same time, I don't want her to grow and not be this tiny little baby anymore...

Anyways, Fall is always. so. busy. I can never tell if that's good for my heart or not. But it does force me to slow down or else I can't keep up. So today, my beautiful little ball of cuteness is NAPPING! YAY! I tried to do cry-it-out... been trying for a few weeks now... but it hardly seems to work with me. It might be because I hate making her happy --> sad... even though I know it's good for her and will help her overall. It's more heartbreaking than I thought. (I thought it would be easy because her cries make me so tired. It's hard to keep a little baby who doesn't know what she wants happy.) Days like today, she makes it easy though and just falls asleep after nursing her. I like that. :)

So because the seasons are flying by, the days go fast, baby Vera is finally napping and my to-do list only gets longer and longer... it's time for Vera's newborn photos! Oh yeah- also because my computer isn't working right these days and I always lose my photos collection and I don't want to lose these so I better get some of them up!

I love my little cutie. I love her more and more each and everyday. She pretends to be calm in front of others. That's what we like to say. Because it's just amazing how much we hear and see her cry but often she doesn't do that out in public. Well, sometimes she does. But we hardly see her calm side when it's just us 3 or her and I at home.

It makes me think of how I heard, "This is the easy time", when she was just a newborn. But little Vera, she's not a newborn anymore! She's more than doubled in size and weight.

She's grown in cuteness too. Hair also. (That's always the most noticeable to everyone.)

I took these newborn photos myself. Why? I was in HORRIBLE pain during my recovery after giving birth. (Note: add write birth story to to-blog list before I forget all the details I want to remember!)

My pain put me on couch/bed rest. And because Vera came earlier than expected at 38 weeks and 1 day I didn't have time to arrange newborn photos. Plus, I hardly wanted to be around people at that time. And we live in my parent's basement so doing photos at home with someone coming over probably wouldn't have worked so well. Lighting was horrible so I eventually made most of them black and white. I did what I could. FIGURES, I can't get the black and white photos and many more of the other photos from my dying computer onto my current computer. But one day I'll hopefully get them and share more fun photos of baby Vera.

Also! I'm thankful to have a few amazing photographer friends, none that are close to me. But these friends like Ica and Debbie have blessed my family so much in photos. And from that, I've wanted to grow my photography hobby and be able to bless others in some way too.

So, these are not professional in any way. But experimental. And so special. :)
I'll upload more to come from this little shoot one day...

But for now, baby is up...

She's here

We can't believe it's already been more than 2 months with our baby girl! Of course, we have been mindlessly caring for her as we are so so tired trying to figure out why our baby is crying, what she needs or what to do. It's such a demanding role to be new parents and our whole life has changed dramatically. Whether it's our schedule for the day (nowadays... trying to get at least 1 productive thing done), or even planning our outings around her 2 hour block feeding times (which recently and often have become even shorter blocks of freedom). So, we're tired. I'm not getting much sleep these days... and I LOVE sleep. I knew that would happen though. But I didn't know how it would feel. Our little basement apartment is filled with baby things we never even knew existed. My back and arms hurt from caring for my little growing ball of cuteness. It's hard....

But at the same time... it is so wonderful. Day by day I think it gets better.

    

Honestly, we both admit we were shocked and amazed and in awe when Vera (with all that hair on her head) came out... but we didn't feel instant love really. I remember saying... "Is she real? She's real!" And then just being in horrible pain the days after. And remembering the horrible pain it took to get her out. (Oh man, was the pushing hard!) I plan to try to write up and share our birth story. Because it's really a beautiful memory and miracle... and I don't want to forget it any time soon. Especially as a reminder to wait and take my time before we decide to welcome another one into this world. So, I'll do that someday in the future when I get time to write that.

But for now, we wanted to share our baby Vera and her cute little face and chunky legs with you. They're getting chunkier by the day as we love her more and more each day. 

 

It's amazing how beautiful and cute she is and that God designed her and created her and gave us the privilege of making her and bringing her into this world. We are so grateful to the Lord for so much. So much GRACE and more GRACE and even more GRACE to raise this baby and care for her. 

But when she smiles though... it's the best. It's pure joy.

 

Vera, thanks for being born and for letting us fall in love with you day by day more and more.