Not so Newborn Anymore...

Fall is officially here! And it feels so good. Literally, the weather feels good. The pretty leaves and crunchy leaves (yes, I still find it fun to stomp on fall leaves to hear the crunchiness of it) also feel good. The windy breeze feels good. The sun with all the autumn colors feel good. And the usual October busyness, that feels kinda good too. Of course, life is not all about our feelings. But it usually doesn't hurt when there are good feelings.

At the same time the turn of the seasons and the sign that winter is coming means time is flying. And it always feels like that now. Maybe because I'm older now? (Just celebrated the big 2-7! And Vera is almost 4 months old! eek!!!!) But even though the days sometimes feel slow... overall the days go by before I know it. There aren't enough hours in a day to do all that is on my to-do list. Yet, before the ends of the days, I'm suddenly exhausted and want them to end so I can rest up for the next one. Ha. So human of me... not to be satisfied with anything. Whether it's the seasons changing or the length of a day. I also want Vera to grow and learn to walk and talk and play with me. But at the same time, I don't want her to grow and not be this tiny little baby anymore...

Anyways, Fall is always. so. busy. I can never tell if that's good for my heart or not. But it does force me to slow down or else I can't keep up. So today, my beautiful little ball of cuteness is NAPPING! YAY! I tried to do cry-it-out... been trying for a few weeks now... but it hardly seems to work with me. It might be because I hate making her happy --> sad... even though I know it's good for her and will help her overall. It's more heartbreaking than I thought. (I thought it would be easy because her cries make me so tired. It's hard to keep a little baby who doesn't know what she wants happy.) Days like today, she makes it easy though and just falls asleep after nursing her. I like that. :)

So because the seasons are flying by, the days go fast, baby Vera is finally napping and my to-do list only gets longer and longer... it's time for Vera's newborn photos! Oh yeah- also because my computer isn't working right these days and I always lose my photos collection and I don't want to lose these so I better get some of them up!

I love my little cutie. I love her more and more each and everyday. She pretends to be calm in front of others. That's what we like to say. Because it's just amazing how much we hear and see her cry but often she doesn't do that out in public. Well, sometimes she does. But we hardly see her calm side when it's just us 3 or her and I at home.

It makes me think of how I heard, "This is the easy time", when she was just a newborn. But little Vera, she's not a newborn anymore! She's more than doubled in size and weight.

She's grown in cuteness too. Hair also. (That's always the most noticeable to everyone.)

I took these newborn photos myself. Why? I was in HORRIBLE pain during my recovery after giving birth. (Note: add write birth story to to-blog list before I forget all the details I want to remember!)

My pain put me on couch/bed rest. And because Vera came earlier than expected at 38 weeks and 1 day I didn't have time to arrange newborn photos. Plus, I hardly wanted to be around people at that time. And we live in my parent's basement so doing photos at home with someone coming over probably wouldn't have worked so well. Lighting was horrible so I eventually made most of them black and white. I did what I could. FIGURES, I can't get the black and white photos and many more of the other photos from my dying computer onto my current computer. But one day I'll hopefully get them and share more fun photos of baby Vera.

Also! I'm thankful to have a few amazing photographer friends, none that are close to me. But these friends like Ica and Debbie have blessed my family so much in photos. And from that, I've wanted to grow my photography hobby and be able to bless others in some way too.

So, these are not professional in any way. But experimental. And so special. :)
I'll upload more to come from this little shoot one day...

But for now, baby is up...

She's here

We can't believe it's already been more than 2 months with our baby girl! Of course, we have been mindlessly caring for her as we are so so tired trying to figure out why our baby is crying, what she needs or what to do. It's such a demanding role to be new parents and our whole life has changed dramatically. Whether it's our schedule for the day (nowadays... trying to get at least 1 productive thing done), or even planning our outings around her 2 hour block feeding times (which recently and often have become even shorter blocks of freedom). So, we're tired. I'm not getting much sleep these days... and I LOVE sleep. I knew that would happen though. But I didn't know how it would feel. Our little basement apartment is filled with baby things we never even knew existed. My back and arms hurt from caring for my little growing ball of cuteness. It's hard....

But at the same time... it is so wonderful. Day by day I think it gets better.

    

Honestly, we both admit we were shocked and amazed and in awe when Vera (with all that hair on her head) came out... but we didn't feel instant love really. I remember saying... "Is she real? She's real!" And then just being in horrible pain the days after. And remembering the horrible pain it took to get her out. (Oh man, was the pushing hard!) I plan to try to write up and share our birth story. Because it's really a beautiful memory and miracle... and I don't want to forget it any time soon. Especially as a reminder to wait and take my time before we decide to welcome another one into this world. So, I'll do that someday in the future when I get time to write that.

But for now, we wanted to share our baby Vera and her cute little face and chunky legs with you. They're getting chunkier by the day as we love her more and more each day. 

 

It's amazing how beautiful and cute she is and that God designed her and created her and gave us the privilege of making her and bringing her into this world. We are so grateful to the Lord for so much. So much GRACE and more GRACE and even more GRACE to raise this baby and care for her. 

But when she smiles though... it's the best. It's pure joy.

 

Vera, thanks for being born and for letting us fall in love with you day by day more and more.

 

Our baby is a...

... baby GIRL!

We are so excited to share that we are expecting a beautiful baby girl!
(I hope she likes pink!) :)

COMING SOON IN JULY!

... Did I mention that we are SO excited?

... & we had a little fun in the process of getting ready to share this news with you :)

... and we also had a few bloopers along the way!

... oops it didn't work that well the first time ...

then we had people running by ...

... & James attempted again to make perfect little hand prints on my baby bump

... harder ...

& TA DA!

beautiful little pink heart hand prints from beautiful baby's daddy

for our beautiful baby girl we can't wait to meet :)

... more photos from our adventures around our city during our maternity photoshoot to come.

31 weeks and counting, little baby!

I've never more understood Psalm 139:13-14 until these days as I feel and see and experience the Lord knitting together our little baby. It is AMAZING & crazy & just beautiful and miraculous.

Lord, we praise You and we worship You and we thank YOU, our Creator.

Special thank you to our sweet friend & sister in Christ, Debbie Dean, who goes crazy with us around east asia to take beautiful photos and give us memories to keep for a lifetime. Thank you for your kindness and your gentleness to us. Also, the way you sacrifice your time and your heart to love us well. We are so grateful for you :) & we can't wait for the adventures ahead ...

BLUE or PINK? What do you think?!

We can't keep it in any longer!!! (And we almost let it slip... multiple times...)

So it's your chance to guess before we share! :)

BLUE OR PINK? What do you think?

What color is the paint under James' hands?

At our 5 month ultrasound, I was so excited to know if our baby is a boy or girl but it wasn't clear because of baby's legs close together. Recently, even though we are already at week 30, at our last ultrasound we found out for sure. What an adventure it has been to not know but maybe know & now know! And now to share with you!!!!

Little baby of ours, precious little one growing and kicking in me,
we love you already and we can't wait to meet you.

I can't wait to call you by your name looking at your face. I can't wait to see whose facial features of ours you have. I can't wait to hold you and see you looking back at me instead of just watching you wiggle and move around in my belly. I just can't wait to know you and love you even more.

Thank you for being our baby. Thankful most of all for our Creator and Lord creating you and loving you even more than we even ever could! See you soon, baby.
(But not too soon and not too late, I hope) :)

Heart Deep

Recently, life has been so good and so hard at the same time. I feel like I've experienced real joys so deeply and real pains and struggles also just as deep. I've cried happy tears and sad tears and feel my hearts in many places all at once. (Not all the tears are because I can't fit my jeans anymore and I'm short so its hard to ever go jeans/pants shopping especially maternity shopping in a foreign country! But some of the tears, if you're wondering, are for this reason.) I feel every season of life very deeply, though.

Which leads me to this post of recent truths for my little all over the place heart. To lead my heart back. Back to rest, to peace, to safety. Ultimately, back to the Lord and real life and real Truth. Oh, much needed.

“It's the heart that's the problem. People, locations and situations don't cause me to sin;
they're where the sin of my heart gets revealed." 

-Paul Tripp {New Morning Mercies Devo} 

Oh, everyday I have been reading this devotional. If you're looking for good deep heart-changing real good nuggets of gospel and Truth, GET YOUR HANDS ON THIS! James and I have been listening to, watching and reading lots of Paul Tripp stuff lately, including "Dangerous Calling" for pastors and videos from a recent conference we regret missing. So, I'll admit, I'm a horrible quiet-time-er. Spending quiet quality time with the Lord and before I start the day is always a dream I have for my ideal life. But I fail at it a lot. (Just about as much as I fail at eating breakfast everyday, ha.) Recently, though, it's almost come naturally. (Maybe because I feel guilty like I'm a bad mom already if I don't skip breakfast and starve baby in the morning?) But either way, I'm eating breakfast and I'm desperate for gospel truths and time with God. Maybe secretly, I also think this mom life that's going to hit me fast is going to help me mature and grow into the woman of God and person I truly desire to be. Moms out there, is this true?

Speaking of the mom life that's to come. James, my wonderful husband (one of my greatest deepest joys these days), gifted me a kindle book called "Mom Enough". It's really helping me to prepare my heart for this question that goes something like:
"Are you mom enough?"
answer: "No I am definitely not."

Oh, the comfort I take in that question and answer the book and collection of blogs and articles gives. I've only just started but with every page I read, I know it will be such a good Truth for my heart. We, alone, are not enough. I am not good enough. To be a mom. To be a wife. To be a friend or daughter. To love or care for others. Nope. Not good enough to please others, especially God. I need Jesus. I need his rescue for my heart.

Another book I've picked up again recently is Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" because there's just a lot of marriage talk around me. Some of that is marriage talk as James and I continue to pray for our marriage to grow, some of it is from the people around us thinking about marriage, maybe some is even from thinking about my best friend in the States getting married this summer! But, it's got me thinking about how marriage is designed and created by the Lord but how the world and culture has totally distorted its image and its purpose. So it's refreshing to my heart to be reading this book again.

Let's see, other than marriage and trying to prepare to be a mom, growing a baby inside of me has been such a joy. It's painful of course because even though I'm celebrating not having normal monthly routine womanly things, I'm experiencing new pains and growths and aches and things each day. But the best part of it all is knowing that baby is growing inside of me and that this baby is a gift from God. It's AMAZING to follow along with my apps and baby books and to hear from the doctor how baby is actually growing and developing. God is creating this baby each day and growing our baby. We can't wait to meet and see baby and who he/she is supposed to become! I'm especially curious to see what baby will look like :) Will we have little me's? Now that's joyful to think about. Even though as we take childbirth classes, we are learning about really how painful contractions will be and how to cope with the pain and so on. But we are thankful to praise God through the process because before I thought, oh no worries, I will go to the hospital and have an epidural and give birth and I won't feel a thing. But now after learning more about how God really has designed woman's body to naturally give birth and the beauty of it, we are praying we can have as natural of a birth as we can and as God allows. So, we are learning and practicing and preparing for what's to come. Doing all of that with James is so much fun. And I'm really excited because I think I know baby's name. I practice calling baby by this name just to test it out. I wonder if it will stick or if God will change our minds! But we are still working on all that. Can't believe this week will be week 28! Just a little more than 10 weeks to go!? Oh, and so much to do before then...

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do,whether in word or deed,
do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, 

giving thanks to God the Father through him. 

Colossians 3:15-17

Another pain/joy thing has been looking at my heart and my sin and seeing my sin come out everywhere but seeing also how much I need Jesus and having Jesus. In my chronological reading plan, I can't get past how in Exodus, Deuteronomy and Numbers, I see the rebellion of the people. And how God treats them how they deserve by destroying and punishing the rebellion. But you see glimpses of amazement when God listens to Moses plea for the people, asking Him to spare them. But even Moses is not good enough to enter the promise land because of his weakness and unfaithfulness as well. Even him, a faithful man. Oh, how much more do I need Jesus? Then in Joshua, you see a lot more faithfulness and victories through the Lord's hand but most of all Joshua 24:15 sticks with me. Joshua ends with him charging the others to choose who they will live for and serve. He says, "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord." And they do. But even others reply with agreement and wanting to serve the Lord too. But what does Joshua do? He replies saying basically.. you will turn away, you can't serve the Lord, you will rebel, you will fail. That's what I heard anyway. Which, of course, is true. Because we, people, are weak. Even though our heart is willing. But none the less, they too CHOOSE to serve the Lord. It's been so heart deep and wonderful to be thankful for Jesus in this journey of reading the Word and seeing the bigger picture. Also to see others see Him. Whether its our old friends here or new friends. Seeing people grow passionate and influencing and impacting others. That has been joyous. But of course, at the same time, seeing rebellion in others too and close friends even rejecting or walking away from the Lord. Or having no interest in them. And calling these friends ... friends... but then seeing them walk away from me too. Heart pains and joys. I rejoice because I know my God is sovereign and good. And I am not God. And I can just respond in worship and praise and choosing to serve the Lord.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

 

My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart

    and my portion forever.

                                                              Psalm 73:25-26

We are super excited for the chance to come back to the States this summer. But at the same time, its so mixed feelings to prepare to not rent our apartment of 2 years here anymore and to return to my parents home for our time in the States. To figure out what to do with the furniture, our things, and to leave life here just for a little while. Pray for our hearts to find REST in Him during this exciting mixed time of "unrest". Thankful to experience His peace in times where it almost seems impossible to really have peace. 

For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 

1 Corinthians 2:2

We're going to be parents!

We can't believe it.

Still.

And time flies, we already made it by God's kindness to our second trimester with baby Chu!

It's unbelievable really, the whole process and already how much baby has grown. We have had 2 chances to see baby in the ultrasounds and also 2 chances to hear the heartbeat! The first time James was in tears! (He doesn't like to admit it though, but I saw the twinkle of the tears in his eyes.) And the second time we saw baby jumping up and down like it was a moon bounce in there and wacing its arms and fingers! James says baby was swimming. That would be good because I hope baby will be able to swim, because I still can't. But James is a great swimmer and I hope baby is like its dad :)

 I love this guy. I really do. I'm so thankful for the journey God has taken on and still can't believe God's goodness to me in helping me to step out of my comfort zone and step out into faith and date this wonderful man. Of course, it was nothing I had ever dreamt up, ever. But all in all, better than my dreams. We have been praying since last summer that God would gift us a baby to call our own. Honestly, I had many fears! I don't know why but I just had this deep fear that I could not get pregnant so I prayed a lot to surrender this desire to have a child and be parents to a child I held and grew in my very own body. That's why we were so surprised and overwhelmed when we found out we really were pregnant! Was it late october or early november? I think early november! We stopped trying to have a child early this summer after we started praying because my heart was having anxiety and stress attacks (which felt like heart attacks!) and I had to go to the emergency room at night to get help breathing. I had chest pains for a few weeks and it was scary because I needed to take aspirin and therefore couldn't try to get pregnant because you can't take aspirin when you have a baby!

 

So this summer instead we took a trip with some friends to Turkey :) It was life-changing for us really. And when we got there, actually my heart pain stopped almost immediately. Except for one night. And we were thankful. We were thankful for much. Thankful for God's work in our hearts and our lives so far and for our growing love for each other. (Also for a chance to go on a hot air balloon ride over this beautiful city of Cappodocia, history of much Christian persecution, an encouraging place for our hearts.)

 

We loved it. Can you tell?

 

When we came back we took a week off to just be together and travel to nearby towns and cities and REST. Because oh, we were soooooo tired from the 2013-2014 year. It was a fun time :) And shortly afterwards, we started to pray again for God to give us a baby! We were so surprised when he answered our prayers so soon Fall 2014 :) It's still a funny story how we were going to take the test but then weren't really ready to know so we waited then just couldn't wait anymore, so we took the test. (Which we already had because I had tricked James and some friends and family back on April fools day.) I think James was ready for this good news for a long time even though I'm glad it's now, the perfect timing that God has. Because we are just that little bit wiser and more in love and more sure that we are together for life in this beautiful covenant of marriage than we were any earlier.

And there we looked and saw together, 2 dark lines saying YES, YOU ARE PREGNANT. We hugged and cried then because we are Friends-lovers. We decided to take the morning to celebrate, thank God and then watch friends, the episodes of Monica's wedding and where Rachel finds out she was pregnant. Long story short- I tried to trick James again like Phoebe did to Rachel, to see how he really felt. Maybe I got him a little. But actually, I think he already knows about my little jokes. Either way, we were thankful this wasn't a joke. These past months we've been sharing with friends and family little by little and we are so glad now it is the second trimester and we can openly share more with all our friends and family because it's too hard to keep the news just to ourselves. And also our baby needs your prayers! Actually, I prayed so much because I was worried a lot. But this almost-smooth first trimester (full of tiredness, headaches and not-so-bad-but-still-sensitive-nausea) has shown me not to be worried and to trust God. And again and again to know that life and death is in His hands and He is a good God. And he is kind. So, we surrender baby to You, God. Thank you for giving us baby. We will continue to pray for protection and care and wisdom because there are so many details we just don't know of! But ... we are thankful :)

Thankful for 2015, knowing this year will be unlike the rest.

Love you, my handsome love of my life, husband.