Heart Deep

Recently, life has been so good and so hard at the same time. I feel like I've experienced real joys so deeply and real pains and struggles also just as deep. I've cried happy tears and sad tears and feel my hearts in many places all at once. (Not all the tears are because I can't fit my jeans anymore and I'm short so its hard to ever go jeans/pants shopping especially maternity shopping in a foreign country! But some of the tears, if you're wondering, are for this reason.) I feel every season of life very deeply, though.

Which leads me to this post of recent truths for my little all over the place heart. To lead my heart back. Back to rest, to peace, to safety. Ultimately, back to the Lord and real life and real Truth. Oh, much needed.

“It's the heart that's the problem. People, locations and situations don't cause me to sin;
they're where the sin of my heart gets revealed." 

-Paul Tripp {New Morning Mercies Devo} 

Oh, everyday I have been reading this devotional. If you're looking for good deep heart-changing real good nuggets of gospel and Truth, GET YOUR HANDS ON THIS! James and I have been listening to, watching and reading lots of Paul Tripp stuff lately, including "Dangerous Calling" for pastors and videos from a recent conference we regret missing. So, I'll admit, I'm a horrible quiet-time-er. Spending quiet quality time with the Lord and before I start the day is always a dream I have for my ideal life. But I fail at it a lot. (Just about as much as I fail at eating breakfast everyday, ha.) Recently, though, it's almost come naturally. (Maybe because I feel guilty like I'm a bad mom already if I don't skip breakfast and starve baby in the morning?) But either way, I'm eating breakfast and I'm desperate for gospel truths and time with God. Maybe secretly, I also think this mom life that's going to hit me fast is going to help me mature and grow into the woman of God and person I truly desire to be. Moms out there, is this true?

Speaking of the mom life that's to come. James, my wonderful husband (one of my greatest deepest joys these days), gifted me a kindle book called "Mom Enough". It's really helping me to prepare my heart for this question that goes something like:
"Are you mom enough?"
answer: "No I am definitely not."

Oh, the comfort I take in that question and answer the book and collection of blogs and articles gives. I've only just started but with every page I read, I know it will be such a good Truth for my heart. We, alone, are not enough. I am not good enough. To be a mom. To be a wife. To be a friend or daughter. To love or care for others. Nope. Not good enough to please others, especially God. I need Jesus. I need his rescue for my heart.

Another book I've picked up again recently is Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" because there's just a lot of marriage talk around me. Some of that is marriage talk as James and I continue to pray for our marriage to grow, some of it is from the people around us thinking about marriage, maybe some is even from thinking about my best friend in the States getting married this summer! But, it's got me thinking about how marriage is designed and created by the Lord but how the world and culture has totally distorted its image and its purpose. So it's refreshing to my heart to be reading this book again.

Let's see, other than marriage and trying to prepare to be a mom, growing a baby inside of me has been such a joy. It's painful of course because even though I'm celebrating not having normal monthly routine womanly things, I'm experiencing new pains and growths and aches and things each day. But the best part of it all is knowing that baby is growing inside of me and that this baby is a gift from God. It's AMAZING to follow along with my apps and baby books and to hear from the doctor how baby is actually growing and developing. God is creating this baby each day and growing our baby. We can't wait to meet and see baby and who he/she is supposed to become! I'm especially curious to see what baby will look like :) Will we have little me's? Now that's joyful to think about. Even though as we take childbirth classes, we are learning about really how painful contractions will be and how to cope with the pain and so on. But we are thankful to praise God through the process because before I thought, oh no worries, I will go to the hospital and have an epidural and give birth and I won't feel a thing. But now after learning more about how God really has designed woman's body to naturally give birth and the beauty of it, we are praying we can have as natural of a birth as we can and as God allows. So, we are learning and practicing and preparing for what's to come. Doing all of that with James is so much fun. And I'm really excited because I think I know baby's name. I practice calling baby by this name just to test it out. I wonder if it will stick or if God will change our minds! But we are still working on all that. Can't believe this week will be week 28! Just a little more than 10 weeks to go!? Oh, and so much to do before then...

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do,whether in word or deed,
do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, 

giving thanks to God the Father through him. 

Colossians 3:15-17

Another pain/joy thing has been looking at my heart and my sin and seeing my sin come out everywhere but seeing also how much I need Jesus and having Jesus. In my chronological reading plan, I can't get past how in Exodus, Deuteronomy and Numbers, I see the rebellion of the people. And how God treats them how they deserve by destroying and punishing the rebellion. But you see glimpses of amazement when God listens to Moses plea for the people, asking Him to spare them. But even Moses is not good enough to enter the promise land because of his weakness and unfaithfulness as well. Even him, a faithful man. Oh, how much more do I need Jesus? Then in Joshua, you see a lot more faithfulness and victories through the Lord's hand but most of all Joshua 24:15 sticks with me. Joshua ends with him charging the others to choose who they will live for and serve. He says, "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord." And they do. But even others reply with agreement and wanting to serve the Lord too. But what does Joshua do? He replies saying basically.. you will turn away, you can't serve the Lord, you will rebel, you will fail. That's what I heard anyway. Which, of course, is true. Because we, people, are weak. Even though our heart is willing. But none the less, they too CHOOSE to serve the Lord. It's been so heart deep and wonderful to be thankful for Jesus in this journey of reading the Word and seeing the bigger picture. Also to see others see Him. Whether its our old friends here or new friends. Seeing people grow passionate and influencing and impacting others. That has been joyous. But of course, at the same time, seeing rebellion in others too and close friends even rejecting or walking away from the Lord. Or having no interest in them. And calling these friends ... friends... but then seeing them walk away from me too. Heart pains and joys. I rejoice because I know my God is sovereign and good. And I am not God. And I can just respond in worship and praise and choosing to serve the Lord.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

 

My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart

    and my portion forever.

                                                              Psalm 73:25-26

We are super excited for the chance to come back to the States this summer. But at the same time, its so mixed feelings to prepare to not rent our apartment of 2 years here anymore and to return to my parents home for our time in the States. To figure out what to do with the furniture, our things, and to leave life here just for a little while. Pray for our hearts to find REST in Him during this exciting mixed time of "unrest". Thankful to experience His peace in times where it almost seems impossible to really have peace. 

For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 

1 Corinthians 2:2

We're going to be parents!

We can't believe it.

Still.

And time flies, we already made it by God's kindness to our second trimester with baby Chu!

It's unbelievable really, the whole process and already how much baby has grown. We have had 2 chances to see baby in the ultrasounds and also 2 chances to hear the heartbeat! The first time James was in tears! (He doesn't like to admit it though, but I saw the twinkle of the tears in his eyes.) And the second time we saw baby jumping up and down like it was a moon bounce in there and wacing its arms and fingers! James says baby was swimming. That would be good because I hope baby will be able to swim, because I still can't. But James is a great swimmer and I hope baby is like its dad :)

 I love this guy. I really do. I'm so thankful for the journey God has taken on and still can't believe God's goodness to me in helping me to step out of my comfort zone and step out into faith and date this wonderful man. Of course, it was nothing I had ever dreamt up, ever. But all in all, better than my dreams. We have been praying since last summer that God would gift us a baby to call our own. Honestly, I had many fears! I don't know why but I just had this deep fear that I could not get pregnant so I prayed a lot to surrender this desire to have a child and be parents to a child I held and grew in my very own body. That's why we were so surprised and overwhelmed when we found out we really were pregnant! Was it late october or early november? I think early november! We stopped trying to have a child early this summer after we started praying because my heart was having anxiety and stress attacks (which felt like heart attacks!) and I had to go to the emergency room at night to get help breathing. I had chest pains for a few weeks and it was scary because I needed to take aspirin and therefore couldn't try to get pregnant because you can't take aspirin when you have a baby!

 

So this summer instead we took a trip with some friends to Turkey :) It was life-changing for us really. And when we got there, actually my heart pain stopped almost immediately. Except for one night. And we were thankful. We were thankful for much. Thankful for God's work in our hearts and our lives so far and for our growing love for each other. (Also for a chance to go on a hot air balloon ride over this beautiful city of Cappodocia, history of much Christian persecution, an encouraging place for our hearts.)

 

We loved it. Can you tell?

 

When we came back we took a week off to just be together and travel to nearby towns and cities and REST. Because oh, we were soooooo tired from the 2013-2014 year. It was a fun time :) And shortly afterwards, we started to pray again for God to give us a baby! We were so surprised when he answered our prayers so soon Fall 2014 :) It's still a funny story how we were going to take the test but then weren't really ready to know so we waited then just couldn't wait anymore, so we took the test. (Which we already had because I had tricked James and some friends and family back on April fools day.) I think James was ready for this good news for a long time even though I'm glad it's now, the perfect timing that God has. Because we are just that little bit wiser and more in love and more sure that we are together for life in this beautiful covenant of marriage than we were any earlier.

And there we looked and saw together, 2 dark lines saying YES, YOU ARE PREGNANT. We hugged and cried then because we are Friends-lovers. We decided to take the morning to celebrate, thank God and then watch friends, the episodes of Monica's wedding and where Rachel finds out she was pregnant. Long story short- I tried to trick James again like Phoebe did to Rachel, to see how he really felt. Maybe I got him a little. But actually, I think he already knows about my little jokes. Either way, we were thankful this wasn't a joke. These past months we've been sharing with friends and family little by little and we are so glad now it is the second trimester and we can openly share more with all our friends and family because it's too hard to keep the news just to ourselves. And also our baby needs your prayers! Actually, I prayed so much because I was worried a lot. But this almost-smooth first trimester (full of tiredness, headaches and not-so-bad-but-still-sensitive-nausea) has shown me not to be worried and to trust God. And again and again to know that life and death is in His hands and He is a good God. And he is kind. So, we surrender baby to You, God. Thank you for giving us baby. We will continue to pray for protection and care and wisdom because there are so many details we just don't know of! But ... we are thankful :)

Thankful for 2015, knowing this year will be unlike the rest.

Love you, my handsome love of my life, husband.

I'm Sorry: Our Failures & His Grace Upon Grace

Hi friends,

Anyone out there?

We would like to say we are sorry these past few months. Or maybe year. We realize just how much we fail in communicating as much as we hoped we could or as well and as deeply as we could with you, our family and friends back home.

I'm sorry to my family for not skyping as much as we wish. And even for sleeping in sometimes on Saturday mornings when instead we could be chatting. I'm sorry for just blaming busyness. I'm sorry sometimes I run away from the task of balancing and organizing these 2 worlds instead of facing it head on and trusting the Lord to give me the strength and energy to do it.

I'm sorry to my friends back home whom I have drafts in my email boxes (embarrassingly) from over a year ago. Ugh... it is so hard to take the time to write those emails I want to write most because my heart wants to pour out all over them and instead I fail to write them or complete them at all. :( It still breaks my heart. There's so much I've wanted to reply to. Thank you for your unconditional love, understanding and friendship. I'm sorry to my other friends who are also having busy lives but that I wish I had the time to pursue. I know relationships will grow and chance but it always aches me to be pulling apart just because distance keeps us apart. Oh, communication struggles and challenges even in this day and age.

I'm sorry to our Grace family and generous gracious loving partners that our updates to you are late. We toil over writing these stories to show you firsthand (as close as possible) what our great amazing God is doing in and through our lives here. But then we get signed off the internet, our internet stops working, or I end up yelling at the computer because when we are finally ready to send out the letters won't upload into my emailing service or the pictures get stuck uploading! Oh and we've wanted to make videos to send to you all but it is harder than it seems to take the time to get ready to record ourselves to show you our love and gratitude. So instead, we fail.

We feel guilty and wanted to get that off our chests because we love you. We need your grace. We're sorry. Will you forgive us? Lately, we really have just been clinging to God's grace to balance and do life. It seems the only thing we can do right these days is invest deeply in the people right in front of us. And even that is wiping us out. Will you pray for us? Lately, I have even felt pursuing God first and foremost with all my heart, mind and strength is my greatest failure.

Thankfully though, you are still there and we are still here. And Christ is at the center of our relationship. Recently we heard a sermon from Francis Chan where he said, "Nothing makes sense outside the grace of God." And oh, how we totally completely agree with that.

So, here we are. Sitting in His grace. Knowing His love doesn't change for us. And knowing our love is growing stronger for you all as we yearn to be together face to face yet embrace the being here. Knowing God is growing us each day in Him as we seek Him however miserably that could be somedays. Knowing our brokenness and our failures don't define us.

Thank you for giving us grace and loving us. Thank you Lord for your grace upon grace.
We love you.

Taste of Fall White Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Muffins :)

 

White Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Muffins :)You can never go wrong with pumpkin muffins... and just because I love white chocolate chips!

4 eggs

1 cup sugar(I do 1/2 white 1/2 brown)

1 cup homemade pumpkin puree

1 cup oil

3 cups all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon salt

2 cups semisweet chocolate chips/white chocolate chips/or butterscotch chips! (I tried all 3 but the white and chocolate mixed together is my winner. Will add MORE white chocolate next time!) :)

In a large bowl, beat the eggs, sugar, pumpkin and oil until smooth. Combine the flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon and salt; gradually add to pumpkin mixture and mix well. Fold in chocolate chips. Fill greased or paper-lined muffin cups three-fourths full.

Bake at 400° for 15-18 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool in pan 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack. Yield: about 2 dozen muffins. Enjoy!

Wedding Day Love Birds Recap :)

We love love love remembering back to our wedding day with our friends and family where we committed to each other for life in covenant before the Lord. Thankful to watch this over and over again to remember many good memories and share them with you!

Remembering Our First Love this First Year

"The first year of marriage is miserable" ... "The first year is so hard"... "Our first year was the most difficult time"... We heard it many times from many people. And now after this first year, we can safely say we agree!!!!

There have been so many real joys in our new married life. And yet so many really hard things too. Sometimes we feel like we could not be more thankful for our marriage and to have each other to do life together. But other times, it feels like we're so lost and more alone.

We wanted so badly to be healthy godly people so that we could love each other well and serve each other, considering each other's interests before our own. But actually, we realized we were practically married to strangers. There's so many deeper things we didn't know about each other. Like if we wake up well or wake up like monsters (me). Or late night if we are happy campers or ... monsters (him). (Late night owl marries the early bird) We didn't know how to react when the other got angry or discouraged in the moment. (Our dating life was mostly through texts, calls and emails long-distance.) It's not that we didn't know each other or argue while we dated. We surely didn't think the other was perfect. More like, we just got to look through the window and see mostly great desirable things and just a small glimpse of the imperfect, dirty heart stuff. (I feel like I've blogged about this already? I don't know if it's in my many draft blogs I've written and never posted because I couldn't get around to finishing them or in my journals or emails to friends! But bare with me...)

Because we couldn't free the top layer of our cake and bring it overseas with us,
I made our very own red velvet cake replica.

This summer as we prepared our hearts to celebrate our 1st year anniversary... we reflected back a lot on this year. And how only by God's grace, we are still together! (Throw in the cross-cultural pressures, language, in-laws relationships, stress, our sin, busyness of life, work, relationships, hard hard church life, arguments, long long deep cries... along with the laughter, fun, adventures, travels, romance, dates...) The latter always seems to be the glimpses of hope and not the most memorable of this past year though. For me, the Lord led me to Psalm 73 as I started to learn my biggest lesson of this first year...

Psalm 73

A psalm of Asaph.

1 Surely God is good to Israel,
    to those who are pure in heart.
(I am so often not sure pure in heart!)

2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
    I had nearly lost my foothold.(yes, that's me!!!! exactly how I felt!)3 For I envied the arrogant
    when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
(yes, me again. envious.)

4 They have no struggles;
    their bodies are healthy and strong.[a](definitely seemed like a lot less than we had)
5 They are free from common human burdens;
    they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
    they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity[b];
    their evil imaginations have no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
    with arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
    and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
    and drink up waters in abundance.[c]
11 They say, “How would God know?
    Does the Most High know anything?”
(Does God know how we're doing?)

12 This is what the wicked are like—
    always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.
(Help me Lord to not be like the wicked.)

13 Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
    and have washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been afflicted,
    and every morning brings new punishments.
(I have tried so hard to seek You Lord, why do I feel so afflicted still?)

15 If I had spoken out like that,
    I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
    it troubled me deeply
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
    then I understood their final destiny.
(Many times, I've just wanted to enter your sanctuary.)

18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
    you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
    completely swept away by terrors!
20 They are like a dream when one awakes;
    when you arise, Lord,
    you will despise them as fantasies.
(Where else could I run Lord? I know there is only Truth, the Way and Life found in You. But my heart is heavy from the realities of brokenness and sin and life.)

21 When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.
(My heart was tired this year Lord.)

23 Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
(Yet I will stay with you, Lord, because I trust in you.You will hold me always by your right hand.)
24 You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.
(You have guided me before and in each time, even when I felt I could not go on anymore and we both wanted to give up, you guided me again and again and again showed us your great glory and power.)
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
(Oh, Lord, whom do we have but you??? No one. On earth there is nothing we desire besides you.
We confess that even when we look to each other before you,

we know we have looked in the wrong places and idolized wrong things.)
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.
(We fail. So much. God. But thank you for your great GRACE and love for us. Thank you that you are truly the strength of our hearts and our portion forever. That you are our only first love.)

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
    you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
    I will tell of all your deeds.
(Oh, Lord, it is good to be near to You. You are our sovereign Lord, you are our refuge and we will continue to trust in you and tell of all your deeds.)

Sometimes James and I felt and still feel completely lost in our marriage world and our life. In the dark hard times, we reach out and cry out to the Lord. No matter if that takes a few minutes, hours or days. And we have learned more deeply of our first Love's love for us. We have turned to Him, separately and together. Even though we felt lost, we are thankful to know where to turn to and know that we are not alone and our hope is in our sovereign all-powerful loving gracious forgiving Lord. We are thankful to learn how to see the gospel in our marriage and see the true beauty of the covenant of marriage. As Christ loved the church. We are no experts by any means, we are not habitual forgivers now but we are growing and we are trusting.

Our anniversary dinner out at one of or favorite fancy burger places :)

Wherever we are, I think we need the remember that there is nothing we need to desire more than God. Not our spouse's love, not approval, not those things we always struggle with... it's just God. We just need Him to fill us, to meet us, to mold us, to change us, to cleanse us, to forgive us, to love us, to draw near to us as we draw nearer to Him.

We are also thankful for the plentiful resources, books, sermons, supporters, prayers & comfort in and from many friends (thank you most of all to Greg and Wendy Gill for their patience, love and grace and many precious skype times through this year).

A few things that have helped point us to Him in this last year:

Sermon videos:
Marriage in Gospel Focus, Tim and Kathy Keller
@ The Gospel Coalition Women's National Conference 2012
http://vimeo.com/45289912
Grace Community Church Sunday Worship
Covenant Life Church Topical Sermons

Books:
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Preparing for Marriage
The Art of Marriage
The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller
This Momentary Marriage by John Piper
Love Across Latitudes
What Did You Expect? (love this wake-up call book!)
& The Bible

Thanks for praying for us this past year. We know and hope it's just the beginning of a strong foundation and deeper joys. We love married life more and more. We now more fully understand that marriage is not made for our happiness but is for our holiness and God's glory. We realized our own selfishness most of all. And we asked the Lord to turn that into thankfulness and love for each other instead of ourselves. We probably didn't blog as much as we hoped because we were working on our marriage and loving each other and... surviving. (Messy, but this is probably a better wrap up than all that we could've shared, trust me. If you want to know more though, of course, you can always ask.) But we are super excited already for all that year #2 has to bring and what the Lord has for us. We love each other more each day and most of all know our great deep need for Jesus. Please continue to pray we would cling to our first love and be devoted in the Word and prayer. So that we could love Him, love each other, our brothers and sisters and the lost around us.

I look forward to this new year of life-sharing blog posts, things to be thankful for, sharing recipes, baked goods, attempts at asian dinners and making western meals in our life overseas, more life lessons and God's Word changing us, growing us and molding us, marriage struggles & growth, our hearts wherever they may be, sharing fun culture things and just plain old life little joyful things.
Whatever life brings :) Stay tuned :)